It’s like having Big Ben on your wrist

You know how whenever you hear Big Ben, you count even when you know how many bongs it’s going to be? In a similar vein, I did not make this up:

Follow directions. After you tap Start and head off on your first leg, Apple Watch uses taps to let you know when to turn. A steady series of 12 taps means turn right at the intersection you’re approaching; three pairs of two taps means turn left. Not sure what your destination looks like? You’ll feel a vibration when you’re on the last leg, and again when you arrive.

This makes me idly wonder what eight and ten taps might mean, or indeed if another series of signals might be two sets of four taps followed by a single pair of taps for ‘stay in the left lane looking at your monthly calendar until you glance up and see the left turn only arrow, at which time rapidly cut off the car to your right’ followed by a light stroking of the wrist to indicate you should ignore any blasting horns or shouted epithets because who the hell are they to judge?

I wonder even more idly whether those twelve taps – deemed by someone in the know to be handier than a voice saying ‘in a quarter mile, turn right’ – proceed in a stately, Big Ben-like manner forty-seven seconds before your turn, or are they more like, say, a tiny jackhammer, as in yuddayuddayuddayuddayududud – in which case, can you count that fast? This brings to mind the further question as to what sort of tapping might be done for something more urgent than ‘take the next right’?

Finally, when you absentmindedly miss your turn and need to make a U-turn because you were busy snoozing a reminder to read the safety section of the manual, is that when an eighth-inch hypo comes out and jabs you, or, in spite of the battery life, might there be a light electrical shock applied?

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4 thoughts on “It’s like having Big Ben on your wrist

  1. parislights says:

    Did someone give you one of these to try out Lalo ?

    I’d have to stop running and start counting. It’s not all of us that can “walk and chew gum at the same time.”


    • lalmon says:

      No, I only followed a link to the manual. If someone were to give me one of those to try out, they would 1) not know me very well; 2) be in for an earful; 3) hear and see the hollow, evil laugh and waggling eyebrows I practice from time to time; and 4) witness the fool thing getting stomped and/or tossed out the nearest window.

  2. Tony49 says:

    iFixIt have just tested it and it looks like a £495-£9,500 watch that can’t be repaired or upgraded in any way.

    • lalmon says:

      Irreparable and they hope people will have a strong desire to buy a newer model every year or two? I’m shocked, I tell you. Shocked.

      I’d like to point out here that the last time the words ‘inductive charging’ and ‘revolutionary’ belonged in the same sentence – despite recent attempts to bring that back into fashion – was in the 1990s when Braun made it a standard feature of their electric toothbrushes.

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